To my Black-eyed Susan

When ever I see a Black-eyed Susan I think of  you and of your Grandma. When I was little she called me her little Black-eyed Susan, a term of endearment,  because my eyes are very close to black I suppose. 
I knew I was precious to her when she used that name and the sentiment was the same when I used it for you. Until now neither of us every planted Black-eyed Susan in our gardens. It was as if it were almost too special, too precious to have in our yards. It was that  glimpse of one every summer that held a little magic, as if just for that second we were getting a peak at one of our souls. Strangely, I never thought about it in those terms before, just as I'm writing this to you, it dawned on me that this little flower held such symbolism for me.
That brings me to the topic I wanted to share with you.
You and I are so much the same in so many ways. I'm often afraid that I've pass on to you my worst traits. I recently read "The Healing Codes" by Dr. Alex Lloyd. In it he shows scientific proof that cells of people related to one another respond to each other. He tells why it's possible for a Mother to wake up in the night hundreds of miles away from her child, knowing that there is something wrong with the child. Or why twins often feel each others pain. He even shows a scientific study in which people who meet briefly, are affected by each others nervous system. I loved it! and it terrified me. I always had an idea that what I thought and felt could impact you, but this brought it home. I began to realize that it's possible that my own failure to launch, my own despair over my inability to reach my own goals and dreams were not just a bad example but were and are affecting you directly. I began to think more about the ideas Dr. LLoyd wrote about in "The Healing Codes". The idea that genetic and cellular memory of illness and trauma could effect generations hundreds of years on either direction and even more potently one generation. I started to see that if this were true one of us could break the cycle, me for you  or you for me.  I needed to begin to change the course of my life and actions in hopes of clearing these blocks for you, me and even grandma.
After loosing our business I've been searching for what else to do. I feel I'm being pushed  to be who I am and always have been, but just ignored. I decided that I would use the talents that I have <and that you share> to do some of the things I've always wanted to do but didn't think had any value. I decided to do them just for the sake of doing them. Not to sell, not to show, not for any other reason than the idea popped into my head.
In the past, the very near past, I would just shove those ideas aside, or think about doing them another time or sometime in the future, or never. So I decided I could change that. I would do what ever project came into my head right away. If it wasn't possible to do right this second, then I would start planning it. I would sketch it out or make a list of supplies.... and I've created many of the projects that I  have wanted to do for years. It feels amazing!  It feels like relief! To me, my crazy ideas just never had any value. The truth is that to every one around me they had no value. Until I let the ideas pour out. Until I let them become reality. Then everyone thinks they are the greatest, well at least interesting.  What is the most interesting to me, is that I feel like these ideas have been stoved up. Like they are my block. Almost like they have been clogging up my flow of energy. As I get them out of the way one by one, I have the sense that the life I want, the things I really want to do are now moving closer. As if I have to get through these allow the others in.
Abraham-Hicks always says "you can't get there from here". Meaning that if you are in a negative state of wanting something, desperate for it but not sure it can come, you can't jump right into being sure it can come and aligning with it. I thought I understood the idea. I thought it meant changing your feelings on a matter degree by degree until you feel good about it and can let it in, and I guess it does mean that. But in more concrete terms, it means that there are just certain things in your life that you MUST move through. You really can't get THERE from HERE. It would be like wanting to go across the street and sitting on the curb miserable that the other side doesn't come to you. It makes no sense, you simply have to walk over there one step at a time. I now know that I have to do each of these things to move toward what I want.
 
For me I have to and had to embrace my artist, my teacher, my medium. I have to face who I truly am and begin to live it unapologetically. I think it's easier for some of the people in our lives when we aren't who we are meant to be. It's uncomfortable for them. We are easier to manage when we just go along with what they are doing or want. When we claim ourselves our power begins to show and it's a little frightening for them. They are afraid they won't be a part of our lives if we step into our power. When you are writing or singing,when you are drawing and creating, you feel your power. You feel the inspiration and the universe flowing through you. That's real. In fact I'm beginning to think it's the only thing that is real. As I begin to do the little things that pop into my head and as I do them as they come, I feel more powerful ,more me. Even little things like going for a walk or doing my Chi Gong or breathing exercises. I have been making myself do them if the idea shows up. Even when I don't feel like it, especially when I don't feel like it. It seems to be helping me feel like things are flowing and like I CAN make things happen. That I can have what I want. Part of this is saying what I want and doing what I want in the moment. That's hard. We are both used to just giving over to what others want and need. In the end that's not good for anyone. The truth is that those around us that we care about need us to be at our most powerful. They need us to shine and show the way. They need our creativity, they need our flow. They are happiest when we are happy.

As I write I am looking at a sweet, thriving Black-eyed Susan. I planted it on right at the top of a "flower tower" that I made out of some stuff lying around the yard. I saw it....I made it! Looking at it makes me aware that I don't just have to catch a glimpse here and there of my soul or of my power. I can't look right at it. I can't cultivate it. I can enjoy it.
 
Writing this letter to you is one of those things that popped into my head and I decided to do. As I write I am sending the intention that you are freed by the flow that I am experiencing and creating.
I love you my black eyed girl.